I'm not really sure what I want to say with this blog. Well I do. It's FUCKING BASTARD CATS! But how I want to say that in more detail I don't know. Maybe I will just tell you the story and see where that takes us. I guess it doesn't need to have a satisfying resolution. Few things in life do.
A few weeks ago I was soundly asleep in bed. I was awoken by a wailing noise. "What the fuck is that?!" It sounded like a child crying, but a really scary child. "Is that The Omen Child, Damien?!" The wail then went into a pitched screech. Oh it's a cat. Another screech. Fighting with another cat. One obviously lost and the other cat pissed off. We were then subjected to a wailing cat nursing it's wounds for an hour. Eventually it faded and I fell asleep. The next day was a struggle. This has happened on and off ever since. About once a week. The early hours of this morning it culminated in me running outside with a plant spray and chasing one of the fuckers up the drive wearing only my dressing gown. Me wearing it, not the cat.
I HATE being kept awake. In the wee hours I can plot quite irrational levels of MURDER if I am kept awake. So to be kept awake by a creature I already have a firm dislike of has meant my feelings towards cats has become a fevered hatred! Dogs don't roam the streets at night keeping me awake. Dogs don't piss off whenever they feel and return only for food. Dogs are loyal creatures that are part of the family. Cats are free-loading spongers that KEEP. ME. AWAKE. Why would anyone want a cat? They don't enrich your life. You might as well have a fish. At least fish are pretty. They are not a pet. A pet is a part of the family. That you love and loves you in return. If you want a pet, get a dog. Jesus, get a goat, or a snake, or a fucking silverback gorilla. Just don't get a cat. The best is a dog though. Dogs are brilliant creatures. They are like a child. If you leave them, for even a minute, they miss you. Cats barely even notice you exist in the first place. Apart from the fact you are the tuna provider. If someone is a better tuna provider then they will piss off and hang around their gaff instead. No loyalty. No conscience. Basically, they are evil. Kittens are quite cute I suppose. But don't be fooled. They become cats. Your kitten is basically a Siren. It's cuteness is the song luring you onto the rocks of owning a selfish wailing tuna eater.
Sharon doesn't mind cats. She prefers dogs obviously because she's not completely mental. The only reason we don't have a dog is that we work. And we feel it is cruel to have what is essentially a child, then leave them alone in the house for 8 hours. That's why dogs chew things and ignore their owners. It's because they are pack animals that need companionship. I digress. This blog is about how monumentally worthless and annoying cats are. Not me sharing my hatred for mistreating dogs. (Awww. Aren't dogs great!)
As I said, Sharon doesn't mind cats. She quite regularly strokes the cat from next door but one. The little fucker! He has no sense of fear or self preservation. You run at him to chase him out of the garden and he sits there looking at you as if to say, "What ARE you doing?", until you get to him and have to stop because you're all bluster. I have started using the spray gun we have for plants. Even then he mostly just trots away getting wet. Inconvenienced, rather than scared. If you leave a door open, he is in the house and you have a comedy chase to throw him out. Curious bastard! I hope that age old cliché is true. The cat from next door but one the other way regularly falls asleep on the warm bonnet of any car on the street. Not mine. It has learnt. But Sharon lets it. NO. LONGER. The welcome stops here Sharon! No more stroking of that pussy (Come on. It HAD to be done at some point)! The rule is now that no cat will be made to feel welcome on our property. Period. Hopefully this will mean they no longer feel our property is somewhere to be a safe haven during/after a fight. Or, as my boss thinks the noise is, a place they can go to fuck! Any cat seen in or around our garden will NOT be stroked, it will be chased away and attacked with water. Any person who contravenes this will also receive the same treatment. Sharon laughed when I told her this. I'm not sure how much laughing she'll be doing the first time I throw a bucket of water over her stroking a cat in the garden. We'll see. To be honest I have slightly higher hopes that the cats will learn before the woman. But that's ok. It's the cats I want to get rid of. The cats contribute cock all to the mortgage, whereas Sharon can make much bolder claims on that front. I guess you could say, it's her house too.
Let's see how it goes. My boss has advised that step 2 could be to paint Calpol everywhere. Apparently cats find paracetamol EXTREMELY TOXIC and it will solve the problem permanently. Errr, RSPCA anyone? I am obviously not endorsing this solution. I would never knowingly injure an animal. No, I would prefer that they kill each other to death. In the face. Now where's my shopping list?
C-A-L...
