I Don't Know My Arse From My...

Hello, my name is Craig and I am a fan of Elbow.  Like Elbow I am from Bury, but this has nothing to do with why I like Elbow. I like them because they do fucking ace music.... AND they're from Bury. Like me.

I have had a couple of their albums knocking about for a while, but I only really got into them in the past couple of years or so. Not because I didn't like any of their stuff, I just never really gave them the attention they deserved. I listened to some of their things and enjoyed it, but didn't seek out any of their other things. I'm not sure why I suddenly turned on to them in a big way, or why this didn't happen sooner. Maybe it was the version of One Day Like This they did live at Abbey Road; maybe it was before that, I can't really remember, but like them in a big way I now do. The 2 albums I originally had were MP3s of The Seldom Seen Kid and Leaders Of The Free World. My friend Rick gave me copies of them (naughty I know, but stay with me). I decided that I wanted to seek out their other albums and own them on original CDs, bought by me. So I set about finding them ALL on Amazon.... or Play.... or both. I can't really remember, I know I found Asleep In The Back; Cast Of Thousands; Leaders Of The Free World and Build A Rocket Boys at a very reasonable price and ordered them. By this point I had seen them live too.

They. Were. Amazing.

On the way back from that gig my friend Janis was driving. She put her copy of The Seldom Seen Kid Live At Abbey Road on in the car. The WHOLE album performed live at Abbey Road. I wanted this on CD too. Or was it DVD? Or was it both? Well, it had to be CD, cos she had it on in her car and there were no pictures. But it could also be both. I don't know. Rather than simply asking Janis I set about randomly clicking on things on the internet in an effort to find out. I found a CD on Amazon that looked right.  The Seldom Seen Kid and Live At Abbey Road on DVD. I clicked buy and waited for my package. Weeks passed. No package. All the other albums arrived, but not this one. I emailed the supplier, who seemed to be in America, even though I ordered it from Amazon UK. They said they had sent it weeks ago and I should have it. I said I didn't. They said they could do one of two things: Send me another one, or process a refund. I said I wanted the album, so could they send another one. They said they would. A week passed. No package. I received another email from them. They said they no longer had it in stock and so had cancelled my order and processed a complete refund. Damn! 6 weeks or so had passed and I needed to start again.

Then something got in the way for a while. I got married and went on my Honeymoon. Whilst on my Honeymoon in New York and Hawaii ( I KNOW!!!) I had a look in a couple of music shops in the hope it might be there. The order was supposed to be shipped from America after all. No luck. I did see "The Royal Wedding: The Album" in New York though. What the actual fuck?! Who would buy that?! Not bloody me.

I got home and set about trying to find it online again. On the HMV website I saw The Seldom Seen Kid. 2 disks. That must be the one. I bought it.

A week passed. Whilst at work a leaflet got posted through my door saying there was a parcel at the post office for me that was too big for the letter box. This had to be it. It struck me as odd that they couldn't fit a CD through the letterbox, but it seemed my wait was finally over. I went to the post office and picked up my parcel.

Now, before I say the next bit, I need to say something. When I placed the order I had just spent nearly 2 days travelling home from Hawaii. I hadn't slept for pretty much that entire 2 days. And my body was almost nocturnal as Hawaii is 11 hours different from home. Basically, I was tired.

I got the parcel. It was rather unCD like. It was about the right thickness, but it was a little larger. About 12" in total. A similar size to.... oh God..... a record. You know, vinyl. For any youngsters (or my wife), ask your Dad what that is. I opened the parcel. Yep. I had The Seldom Seen Kid on vinyl. How cool is that? It cost me £18, but hey, vinyl is quite cool. I mean, I don't have a record player, but that's quite a good collectors item. Oh, and it wasn't even the Live At Abbey Road version. It was just the original album. I went on the HMV website again and yep, in rather obvious writing, 2 x LP. Fuck! I am a knob.

By this point we are practically up to my birthday. My Dad asked what I wanted and I told him this story. He laughed and said he would buy me the one I wanted. I offered to find it on the internet and send him a link.  We both agreed my track record (no pun intended) on this wasn't great and to just leave it with him.

My birthday arrived. There was a rather large box from my Dad. A little odd. I opened the card first. I am polite like that. In the card it said this:

I opened the box. Inside there was a tin of Tesco chopped tomatoes; a tin of Bachelor's Condensed Tomato Soup; a tin of Bachelor's Condensed Cream of Chicken and White Wine Soup; a bass guitar strap (I don't have a bass guitar); 2 bass plectrums (I DON'T have a bass guitar) and 2 bass guitar leads ( I DON'T HAVE... oh hang on... I have a guitar and the leads are the same and I actually need a new lead. Nice one). 


Funny fucker my Dad.

2 days later (yesterday) I went to my Dad's and there was another present waiting for me. A CD sized present. I opened it. YEEESSS!!!! Elbow and the BBC Concert Orchestra - The Seldom Seen Kid - Live At Abbey Road. CD and DVD. SUCCESS!!!!! I put in on in the car on the way home. Oh. It's JUST the live album. That's GREAT! I wanted that, but I thought it had the original album too. It doesn't. So I could have bought that all those weeks (months) ago anyway. If I'd have employed a little bit of brain power on this fairly simple premise I would have realised that. Ah well. I finally have the live version that I started seeking out all that time ago.

Today I went to Bury and bought the original album. The task is now complete. I have all the Elbow albums on CD. And bonus.... how many people can say they own The Seldom Seen Kid by Elbow on vinyl... and CD... and the live version of the album... on CD... and DVD? Not many, I would wager, is the answer.

Thank Fuck (Off) It's Friday

This may go against the grain of most people's opinion on this matter, but I hate Fridays! Yes ok, they are practically the weekend, but they are not ACTUALLY the weekend.  Not during the day anyway. Cos that's when you are in work.  It's just another day in work, except it's so close to the weekend that it's depressing.  Being nearly the weekend makes the day drag. Especially the afternoon. And you have to put up with people saying "Thank Fuck/God/Gosh It's Friday!" or, "Cheer up, it's Friday".  Fuck the fuck off!  Yes it's Friday, but I still have to be at work for over 8 hours, much like I did Monday to Thursday, and I still have shit to do.  So being cheery about the fact that it's not quite actually the weekend yet, and telling me what day it is like that should change anything, makes you look like a dick. 

To sum it all up.  Here is  a breakdown of my thoughts on the various parts of a Friday:

Friday morning = Urrgghh. 

Friday afternoon = Longer than a year.

Friday night = YES! 

I don't mind Mondays though.  Once I'm up and at work that is.  Obviously waking up early on a Monday and having to drag your arse to work is worse than the lowest level in all the levels of hell.  But once you're there it's ok.  Low expectations see. You don't expect anything from a Monday. It's the beginning of the week.  It's not nearly weekend, so you just get your head down and get on with things.  You don't count down to anything, because that would be beyond depressing.  5 days would seem like a lifetime, so no one thinks about it.  But Fridays in work, and people pointing out what day it is, can just FUCK OFF!