Opinions are funny things. Everyone has them and some people say they are interested in your's. What they usually mean is they want you to agree with their's. I'm no different. I would prefer it if you agreed with my opinion. Although I am different in the fact I probably don't care about your's. Not in a bad way. I just don't let other people's views affect my life. I love The Beatles and I hate cats. There are people out there that love cats and hate The Beatles. Does that change my view? Not in the slightest. I wonder why me having differing opinions on things bothers others then?
Maybe it's because I'm not (or wasn't) afraid to let people know what they are and because I offer it more than just when I am asked. Not in any want to be offensive, just because that's what I think. Why lie about how you feel about something? It only makes life hard work if you lie. You have to then keep track of the lies, in case it comes up again. Far more simple to say, "No, I don't like your kitten. I would happily see all domestic cats extinct."
I freely admit that sometimes I say things that are on my mind to ruffle a few feathers (like that extinct cats comment), but never to upset someone. I mostly say things because it's what I think, and if someone else thinks something different, then that's fine by me. It would appear that I'm in the minority here though. The lack of being popular for things I say would suggest this. I don't ask people to agree, or even comment, but people do sometimes take it personally. Sometimes with good reason because I've said it directly to someone, or because of bad judgement on when/how I said something.
The problem with that bad judgement is I don't really see it coming. As I'm getting older I care less and less about what other people think of me/things I say. And so am more likely to not think before I speak/type. Turns out this is a big problem of late. Last year I got married. My wife isn't opinionated like me. She is lovely and social and knows when to say, "Your baby is really cute", as opposed to, "It's ok, most babies are ugly at first". The problem is this: Turns out us being a wedded team now means that anything we do reflects on the other. So my opinion making people not like and shun me, means they shun her too by proxy. It's worked quite well for me, as I don't really like going to things. For someone nice, and who isn't broken in the head and likes going to things and seeing people, like her, this is a big issue. An issue that means I have to try and keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. For her. And I'm really trying, because I love her and her opinion does matter lots and lots to me. And seeing her upset or shunned because of me, makes me not like myself.
The problem we have, and I'm going to be completely honest about my possibly broken brain in public for the first time ever here, is that life and people and places basically TERRIFY me.
I struggle with staring into a big black abyss and the urge to jump into that abyss. An abyss that I don't know the name of, but, from what other people say, I would label "depression". Although I don't actually know what that is or what this thing in my head is, but it's as good a word as any. Sometimes seemingly nothing can have me teetering on the edge. The edge, as I call it, is the bit where something dark starts to descend on my mood. Something that makes me start to not want to talk to anybody or do anything, but there still *feels* like there is a choice. A choice about whether I snap myself out of it and pretend I'm ok, until the pretence takes over and I am ok, or I jump into the abyss and wallow in the darkness. I'm sure most people feel like that on occasion. The problem with my seemingly broken brain is that I am more predisposed to take the decision to jump. It's almost welcoming. It's certainly easier than fighting it.
Life in the abyss is very difficult to explain. The best I can come up with is that it is like having levels of conciousness...or layers of personality... or something. It's very difficult to explain. There is a me on the surface and a me on the inside. Sometimes they are one and the same and sometimes they are completely at odds with each other. For example, I can be in work and, as far as everyone is concerned, functioning perfectly normally. I'm talking, joking, and seem fine. On the inside I am in turmoil and angry and want to disappear. It can also work the other way. I can be obviously in a bad mood. Doing nothing, not really responding to people when they speak to me and when I do it can be not nice. Inside I am shouting, "What the fuck are you doing?! Just be ok. Don't say that. Be nice. Or at least tell them what's wrong!". This is over simplifying it somewhat and doesn't cover all cases, but it's a start. This can go on for hours/days and then for no reason at all I can be back, or I can choose to be back (or something. It's very difficult to explain) and I'm ok. Sometimes it can be a more arduous return. I can be trying to claw my way back and the inner me will force through and make an effort. It will be a very small effort from an outside perspective, but it will *feel* like a HUGE effort. It can just be a little thing like, for example, asking my wife how her day was. Obviously to her this wasn't a huge effort on my part and so she is unlikely to see the importance. If she is watching TV or paying attention to something else, because I haven't spoken in a while, and misses it and doesn't respond, or recognise the huge effort (how can she?!) I can take it quite hard. Effort made. Effort rejected. Back into the abyss.
Life in the abyss is very difficult to explain. The best I can come up with is that it is like having levels of conciousness...or layers of personality... or something. It's very difficult to explain. There is a me on the surface and a me on the inside. Sometimes they are one and the same and sometimes they are completely at odds with each other. For example, I can be in work and, as far as everyone is concerned, functioning perfectly normally. I'm talking, joking, and seem fine. On the inside I am in turmoil and angry and want to disappear. It can also work the other way. I can be obviously in a bad mood. Doing nothing, not really responding to people when they speak to me and when I do it can be not nice. Inside I am shouting, "What the fuck are you doing?! Just be ok. Don't say that. Be nice. Or at least tell them what's wrong!". This is over simplifying it somewhat and doesn't cover all cases, but it's a start. This can go on for hours/days and then for no reason at all I can be back, or I can choose to be back (or something. It's very difficult to explain) and I'm ok. Sometimes it can be a more arduous return. I can be trying to claw my way back and the inner me will force through and make an effort. It will be a very small effort from an outside perspective, but it will *feel* like a HUGE effort. It can just be a little thing like, for example, asking my wife how her day was. Obviously to her this wasn't a huge effort on my part and so she is unlikely to see the importance. If she is watching TV or paying attention to something else, because I haven't spoken in a while, and misses it and doesn't respond, or recognise the huge effort (how can she?!) I can take it quite hard. Effort made. Effort rejected. Back into the abyss.
This obviously has implications on me socially. Part of it is that I need a comfort zone or I start to see that edge approaching. A comfort zone doesn't have to be a physical place that is familiar, it can be a situation or a person that is familiar. Just something to cling on to. My wife is certainly a big comfort zone for me. I can comfortably go pretty much anywhere, as long as she's there and I don't have to socially interact with other people. That is a big source of discomfort for me. You put other people into the mix, even my closest friends, and I am out of my comfort zone. It's almost like I forget how I'm supposed to act around people at first. I get myself all worked up and feel trapped when I realise a plan has been made and I have to be somewhere and do something. I start stressing every time I think about it. If I then also have to eat with people, who aren't my wife, you can notch that stress up a level. When it actually comes to doing it, it builds to a crescendo as we're on the way to wherever it is we're going. Inside I'm feeling more and more trapped into this thing I have to do and I just want to run away. I can't do that though. That would let people in on the fact that I'm a bit of a freak who is scared of going drinking a cup of tea at someone's house. And I don't like being scared, or having people know it (turns out I do care what people think of me), so I project it more as anger. Being an angry, grumpy social outcast is kind of cool. Whereas being a slightly broken brained, scared man is a bit pathetic. I then use that anger to complain about having to go to the place because it's shit... or it's a stupid idea... or nobody there will like me anyway because of that thing I said... or it's pointless and the person should know better then even arranging it. The point is, in that state, I convince myself that is my opinion to protect myself from the truth. The truth is I am frightened and trying not to freak out. So I allow myself to go along with the fact that, in my opinion, your party is a rubbish idea and then I feel a bit better. Because that's your issue, not mine. And then, as we've covered, if I have an opinion, I voice it.
It is also getting worse as I get older, because I'm getting a better and better comfort zone. Most of my life I have lived in someone else's house (parents; renting with, or rooms from, friends) and been single. You tend to be thrust into social interaction and have no say about people being there when you live with them and they own the house. You also have no one to cling to, so although the lows are lower, you have no choice but to sail alone. I now have a wife and we have a house together. A fort of comfort, with a guard at the door. I don't have to leave it and I don't have to let anyone in. Apart from my wife, but as I've already said she has somehow cut through all this mental shite and has become the one person I can truly relax with all the time. So now I'm not living outside my comfort zone, I live in it and have to be forced out of it by my wife having a very justified say in how we spend our time. Rather difficult when I react by having a hissy-fit style rant when confronted with this.
It is also getting worse as I get older, because I'm getting a better and better comfort zone. Most of my life I have lived in someone else's house (parents; renting with, or rooms from, friends) and been single. You tend to be thrust into social interaction and have no say about people being there when you live with them and they own the house. You also have no one to cling to, so although the lows are lower, you have no choice but to sail alone. I now have a wife and we have a house together. A fort of comfort, with a guard at the door. I don't have to leave it and I don't have to let anyone in. Apart from my wife, but as I've already said she has somehow cut through all this mental shite and has become the one person I can truly relax with all the time. So now I'm not living outside my comfort zone, I live in it and have to be forced out of it by my wife having a very justified say in how we spend our time. Rather difficult when I react by having a hissy-fit style rant when confronted with this.
I even feel this way about things I REALLY WANT to do. I am usually quite nervous about going meeting my mates in the pub. I don't know why. I love my mates... and the pub. I usually find I settle down after the first pint and relax into it. I think my mates just accept that I often start a night quiet and probably don't even question why. A beer is another comfort zone for me. I do find that a beer or two settles the head demons and I relax into a situation. That makes me sound like an alcoholic. I also drink beers because I really like drinking beers.
I'm not trying to use this as an excuse for anything I say or do. I'm still a human being with control over my actions and I am 100% accountable for them. Sometimes, like anyone, I don't like something and am a twat about it, but sometimes I'm lashing out because I'm scared.
I keep saying "frightened", "scared" and "trapped" and I don't even know if they are the right words. I don't know exactly what the right words are, but they seem to touch on it. The biggest problem with "depression" is it's almost impossible to decisively put into words. It's like trying to explain a concept. You can possibly give an impression of it, but you will never actually nail it down. I think of it as trying to explain being tired to an alien who doesn't need sleep. If you don't experience it, you can't know. And even if you do experience it, the chances that it's the same experience that someone else has with it are very remote.
I don't have a way to end this blog. There is no resolution that I am ok with it now, or I have a plan to deal with it. I am *trying* to go to more things at the moment, but it probably won't last and I'll still try to get out of everything I feel I reasonably can. The only resolution is what I have always done: Deal with each situation as it occurs and try not to put too much pressure on my wife. While I'm doing that please try and understand that while I may mean what I say, I may not mean, mean it. Good luck. We're all going to need it.
I keep saying "frightened", "scared" and "trapped" and I don't even know if they are the right words. I don't know exactly what the right words are, but they seem to touch on it. The biggest problem with "depression" is it's almost impossible to decisively put into words. It's like trying to explain a concept. You can possibly give an impression of it, but you will never actually nail it down. I think of it as trying to explain being tired to an alien who doesn't need sleep. If you don't experience it, you can't know. And even if you do experience it, the chances that it's the same experience that someone else has with it are very remote.
I don't have a way to end this blog. There is no resolution that I am ok with it now, or I have a plan to deal with it. I am *trying* to go to more things at the moment, but it probably won't last and I'll still try to get out of everything I feel I reasonably can. The only resolution is what I have always done: Deal with each situation as it occurs and try not to put too much pressure on my wife. While I'm doing that please try and understand that while I may mean what I say, I may not mean, mean it. Good luck. We're all going to need it.
