SKYNET Is Going To End Us All!

SKY have pissed me off this week. I am really happy with the TV package I have with them. I am happy with the broadband they provide. I am also happy with the Talk package they provide for my phone.  What I am not happy with is having to deal with their Customer Services.

We have been getting annoying phone calls for the past few months. Nothing malicious, just a man or a woman of a foreign persuasion who ring up repeatedly, at all hours, and don't understand us when we say, "YOU HAVE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER AGAIN!!! IT'S 2AM!!! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF THE BABY JESUS, STOP CALLING US!"  As it's an overseas number BT can't block it. I asked BT to change my number. They said, "Sure, £25"!  I told them to stick it.  I asked Sky if I could transfer my line rental to them and then change my number through them. They said I could.  Every time I rang Sky to see how this was progressing they had never heard of this order and I had to start all over again.  In the end I told them that I was trying to move my line rental to them as BT were a "useless shower of bastards", but as they were proving to be "an even more useless shower of bastards" they should forget it.  Fortunately @BTCare had gotten in touch with me on Twitter and offered to do the number change for free. They did and they were brilliant.  I would recommend going through them for all your telecommunication needs.

So my number change was done.  Next I had to contact Sky again (sigh) and get them to transfer my Sky Talk package across to the new number.  The telephone call went something like this.  It is not an exact transcript. It is my memory of the conversation.

*Automated Skynet system asks me to press buttons for the option I want. None are precisely what I want so I randomly press buttons until I get to a point where it stops asking me to press buttons*

Skynet: Please say your postcode now

Craig: *Says postcode*

Skynet: *pauses* I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say your postcode now

Craig: *Says postcode very deliberately*

Skynet: *pauses* I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say your postcode now

Craig: Your. Voice. Recognition. Software. Is. Shit.

Skynet: *pauses* I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Transferring you to an operator now.

Craig: Finally!

Irene: Hello. You're through to Sky Customer Services. My name is Irene. How can I help you?

Craig: Hello. I have recently changed my telephone number and I would like you to update my Sky Talk package to my new number.  I haven't moved house. I just have a new telephone number

Irene:  Wait, *struggles with concept*, You have a NEW telephone number?  Why would you want a new telephone number?

Craig: Errrr. We were getting some nuisance phone calls. It's not important. I have a new number and I would like you to change your records.

Irene: Ok. I can't see a record of a number change on my system?

Craig: I. Know. I am telling you now. My line rental is with BT. My calls are with you.

Irene: Oh ok. You know you can have your line rental through us?

Craig: Yeah. I had heard. But as I've spent months repeatedly placing the order and you forget about it a week later I am staying with BT.

Irene: I have no record of you ever placing an order with us for that.

Craig: See.

Irene: I could create an order for it now.

Craig: No thank you. Can you just proceed with updating the Sky Talk number.

Irene: OK. I see on my system that you have a free Sky HD box available. It's a self install box. We usually charge £199 for the box and £60 for the installation. But if you install the box yourself it is free. Would you like it?

Craig: *thinks about the fact that he doesn't have SkyHD, but the hard drive is twice the size* If it's free then yes please. 

Irene: You will only have to pay for the £15 delivery charge. Is that ok?

Craig: I think I can stretch to that yes.

Irene: That's great. I just need to read out some standard terms and conditions.... *blah blah*.... 1 years subscription... *blah blah*.... cancellation within term.... *blah blah*.....HD channels.... *blah blah*.... is that OK?

Craig: Can I just confirm? I am not signing up to an increased subscription. I just want my free box.

Irene: Oh, you would have to pay the £10.25 a month for the HD.

Craig: You never said that?

Irene: I did! In the terms and conditions.

Craig: Hmmmmm. That wasn't very clear. Let me be clear. I don't want to increase my subscription. Let's cancel that "free" box now.

Irene: Ok. I have cancelled that. I will transfer you to Sky Talk who will sort out your number change.

Craig: Thank you. You sneaky fucker!

Sky Talk: Errrr.... hello?

Craig: Hello

Sky Talk: I believe you want to talk to me?

Craig: *sighs at having to start again*

From that point on it was fairly standard and he said that the change would take between 24 - 72 hours and PROMISED that my broadband would not go off. 

Let's see what happens.

The Ballad of the Xbox

I am going to write about Xboxes here. Well, not all Xboxes. One Xbox. My Xbox. My new Xbox.  It's an Xbox 360 actually. Before I begin, here is a disclaimer:

I am not a massively up to the minute experienced gamer. This is not a typical "review" of any console or game.  I have played precisely 2 games on the Xbox 360, so I have no points of reference to compare anything to. I have only just lost my Xbox virginity.  I'm new to this and still fumble about, press the wrong buttons and the games end rather quicker than they would for a more experienced gamer.  I am a bit shit at Xboxing.  This is just a normal bloke talking about buying an Xbox.  This is not a super slick gamers review. If you want one of those, go to one of those proper review websites. Also, if you don't agree with what I say, or I am wrong about any points, don't tell me, I don't really give a shit. This is simply my opinion on something in my life.

I have been after an Xbox 360 for AGES! About 6 months. I have a Wii and was very happy with it. I'd occasionally see adverts for the PS3 and Xbox and would think, "Oooooo. Those graphics look amazing", but that was about it. Then Microsoft did something that they don't normally do. They created the future, but now. That seems to be an Apple/Nintendo/Sonyism of late. But no, Microsoft created the Kinect.  The thing that made the Wii so revolutionary had finally just been bettered.  I became interested in procuring my own Xbox. 

As I was going through the process of planing a wedding AND buying a house, money for Xboxes wasn't presenting itself at every turn. This meant I had to be patient and very nice (and very persistent) with Sharon.  I will spare you the details, but anyone who knows me knows I have mentioned Xboxes about as much as I have mentioned Beatles and tried to get a reply from Kylie Minogue on Twitter in the past few months.  That's a lot.  Finally, last Sunday at 5:10pm, Sharon agreed I could buy myself an Xbox with Kinect.  I mention the time only because Currys closed at 5pm and it meant I had to wait a FULL DAY!  

I used my time wisely and spent Sunday night and some of Monday researching precisely what to buy Xbox/game/cable wise.  I have a TV with HDMI inputs and a 5.1 surround sound system with optical audio input. It meant the standard Xbox cabling would be surplus to requirements and I would need to buy additional cables. I won't bore you with the details on that, I will say simply this. WHY, when TVs have HDMI and optical audio inputs and a lot of people have sound systems with optical audio inputs and when the games systems we buy are capable of outputting in these formats for the optimum experience, WHY (again), DON'T THEY FUCKING PROVIDE THE CABLES TO CONNECT THE TWO IN THOSE FORMATS?! Why do they provide cables that will give a lower quality interface?  Why not provide both? I paid a shit load of cash for my systems. Give me the fucking cabling to communicate between them. They are all standard connections. Imagine you got a TV without a plug. You would be furious. This is the same. You buy a system and get it home and can't fucking play on it properly!  AND... WHY DO YOU ONLY GET ONE CONTROLLER WITH CONSOLES THESE DAYS?!  TWO!  TWO USED TO BE STANDARD AND STILL SHOULD BE! This is not a rant at Microsoft and the Xbox, it is a rant at ALL AV/console manufacturers/suppliers. Fucking sort it out you bastards!  If anyone tells me it's to keep the cost of the consoles down. FUCK OFF!  It costs the actual manufacturers cock all to make cables and controllers in the grand scheme of things. It's about generating more revenue. Pure and simple.

Anyway, I was researching what I needed. I obviously sorted the cables out and I asked on Facebook and Twitter for ideas for games. I already had a game in mind, but I wanted to see what the hive mind came up with. A lot of people confirmed my thoughts enough for me to decide upon getting Call Of Duty: Black Ops. Other games are available and some people prefer others. I liked the look of this one and had never played any COD games before, so the complaints it played a lot like some earlier versions was wasted on me. It was all new to me. I also had played GTA III on my PS2 many years ago, so I was drawn to GTA: IV and someone recommended it. It was also only £18 for the complete edition. Purchases made.

On Monday I nipped out to get the cables I would need in my dinner at work. The Xbox purchase would have to wait until the evening. I got home and Sharon and I had tea. I then put on my shoes and said I was off to collect my Xbox and asked if Sharon wanted anything.  She said, "Yes....... a present" and then fixed me with a look that said, "I may be letting you buy an Xbox, but I can still stop you playing on it".  I nodded in agreement and then got in my car. FUCK! What was I going to buy her?  This needed gauging just right.  If I spent not much I was going to get, "Is that it? You get an Xbox and I get this?!" Fail.  But if I spent too much I would get, "What are you doing spending all that money when you've just spent a fortune on an Xbox?!" Fail.  I decided my fall back would be some flowers and chocolate. There is a reason they are standard presents for birds. They work.  The thought of buying her a game that I thought she may like for the Xbox crossed my mind for a nano-second. But that way, danger lay.  I went into Tesco (to buy a 2nd controller for my Xbox... GRRRRR) and saw the CDs next to the games.  Nicole Scherzyface from the Pussycat Dolls has an album out. Sharon likes her. I took a chance and bought it.  Next stop Currys for the Xbox.

I completed the trasaction. I now owned an Xbox!

I got home and showed Sharon every Xbox component saying that she could touch it and that was her present.  Once I had pushed her as far as was reasonable, I produced the CD.  She smiled and said thank you.  It was a success!  She said she had been expecting me to buy her a game I thought she would like and that would have been a mistake (phew), but she would have been happy with a bar of chocolate. I went above and beyond. This was good news. Brownie points are alway useful when starting out on a blokey endeavour.

I spent the next hour pissing about with cables and Xbox components. I am technically minded, I just wanted to get it all set up right.  And there were some optical audio issues to do with having 2 devices that output in this format and 1 input on my amp (That was solved today with a switch. Simple really).  I finally got it set up and Sharon announced we were going doing the ASDA big shop.  So off we went.  When we got back, one thing or another happened and I never got to have a go on my Xbox.  :(

Tuesday. 2 days after I was given the all clear on Xboxing.  I went to work and did the work thing. Then I got home and had some tea. Sharon had gone to netball. It. Was. Time. I decided that a game on Call Of Duty: Black Ops was in order.  I powered up the Xbox and went through the setup.  Part of the setup was setting up the Kinect. Oh. My. Fucking. God. This thing IS the future. I felt like Tom Cruise in Minority Report. Only slightly uglier and a bit taller.  Moving shit around the screen with gestures. Talking to the Xbox to tell it to go to different screens.  That made me feel like I was on the Enterprise. Only instead of preceding a command with "Computer", I had to say, "Xbox". It can even be set to recognise my face and save me having to manually sign in who I am. And it all fucking works!!!! It's brilliant. I was that impressed I spent 20 minutes just navigating the menus before I even considered putting a game in my games console.  As I was so amazed by the Kinect all thoughts of COD went out of the window and I put in Kinect Adventures. What followed was 3 hours of joyful jumping about and flapping of arms, such I haven't experienced since I was a wee child.  When Sharon got home she too played with unbridled delight. The Kinect, and so the Xbox, was a success.

Wednesday night, it was time to get serious.  Sharon had some work to do.  A work presentation of some sort. I was going to get involved in some Black Ops, Call Of Duty style.  I powered up the Xbox and put the game in. Then I was lost in a world of guns and duty.  It. Was. Awesome. And also... I. Was. Rubbish. I didn't care though. And I definitely improved over the course of the next 3 hours.  The surround sound really added to the experience and I was away.  Shouting to my guys. Looking around for enemies. I was there.  It was briefly interrupted by Sharon TURNING THE VOLUME DOWN!!!?!?!! Something about not being able to concentrate on her work. I don't really remember. I just remember shouting that I couldn't hear my commanders instructions properly now and turning it back up.  I'm sure she was looking at me with pride and increased love at my commitment to my duty and my unit.  I'll never know as I was busy trying not to get shot in the face. I finally understand what all the hype with Call Of Duty is. 

And now, after I have waffled on for many paragraphs, I have to go. There are enemies of democracy to eliminate.